I found these on jibjab.com. Enjoy!
1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'
2. Laugh at him.
3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round,
round, get around, I get around...'
4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.
5. Give him kangaroo-ears for a month.
6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him
everything he knows.
7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only
response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the
last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.
8. Dance the Funky Chicken.
9. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.
10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are
foiled yet again.
11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be
sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than
others.' Stare pointedly at him.
12. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at
13. Call him 'The-Man-Who-Let-the-Boy-Live.'
14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more
15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning
plans than his.
16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.
17. Be cheerful.
18. When he tries to impress you with his powers, say 'Awwwww,
lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'
19. Try to teach him to play a mouth organ.
20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under
your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your
21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look
particularly menacing today.'
22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that - a
23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out
24. Magic-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he
25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop
for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...
26. Play cards with him. Tell him he has no poker-face and how
does he expect to rule supreme without one?
27. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes
28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'
29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and
Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a
spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky
30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and
announcing him grandly.
31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an
equally fake drumroll.
32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here,
O Dark One' whenever he starts to talk of what caused him to become
who he is.
33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'
34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots
for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.
35. Mock his choice of Quirrell as a 'host.'
36. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure him of his wicked
37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.
38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming
sessions, 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above
his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you
thought you were helping!
39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.
40. Buy him a stress ball.
41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never
42. Call him Tommy-boy.
43. If you're feeling gutsy, call him Voldie-poo.
44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few
45. Say he 'looked better under the turban.'
46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.
47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and
48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story
and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.
49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.
50. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of
'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'
51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he
needs to make a 'grand entry.'
52. Paint all the Death Eater masks with bright colours and
53. Throw him a 'Carebears'-themed birthday party.
54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.
55. Politely exclaim now and again that you don't know how he
can be so afraid of dear old Dumbles.
56. Sing 'California Dreamin' at the top of your lungs when he's
trying to have an 'evil moment.'
57. Should you ever be eating with him - drum tunes with your
cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate
58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.
59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and
'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as
60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole
evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit
61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.
62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....
63. Throw Tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.
64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.
65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.
66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water
it and it dies.
67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.
68. Tell him Lucius did it.
69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and
70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.
71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is
about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.
72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause.'
73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly
74. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.
75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your
arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar
would have approved of that?'
76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on
the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'
77. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.
78. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist
that it is 'Aromatherapy.'
80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!'
Emphasis on Riddle.
81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him.
Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.
82. Cuddle him at random moments.
83. Sign him up for Little-League.
84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the
size of a beehive and can't fight babies.
85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.
86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are
'kind of girlie.'
87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding
88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much
respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.
89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.
90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated
91. Write sonnets for him.
92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every
93. Follow a few paces behind him, spraying everything he
touches with a can of disinfectant.
94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'
95. Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'mildy depressed' and
'a bit of a control-freak.'
96. Mock his baldness.
97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at
inopportune moments. (Ie: another of his attempted 'evil
98. Get him drunk.
99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing
100. Let him catch you trying on Death Eater robes.
101. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.
102. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter
things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'
103. Call him 'Champ' or 'Tiger.' Refer to yourself as
104. Three words: Potter Puppet Pals.
105. Ask him where he gets his garlic-scented soap.
106. Ask him to dye Easter eggs with you.
107. ..at Christmas.
108. Make him dance in the rain with you.
109. Insist that this is to cleanse his soul.
110. "Accidentally" schedule him a him a haircut.
111. ..even though he's bald.
112. Be offended by everything he says.
113. When he gives you an order, stare at him blankly and
114. Invite him to go streaking.
115. Kill Harry.
116. On the next Valentine's Day, decorate his lair.
117. ..make sure the decorations are pink and frilly.
118. Tell him that getting the same plastic surgeon as Michael
Jackson was definitely a bad idea.
119. Paint his fingernails hot pink while he's sleeping, then
place a permanent sticking charm on them so he can't remove the
120. Whenever you look at him cover your eyes with your hands
and scream "IT BURNS!!!"
121. Bake him scar shaped cookies, but insist it wasn't
122. Trade his black robes in for pink pajamas.
123. Insist that it's opposite day and paint a lightning bolt on