A Son Of Liberty

My blogging activity has decreased significantly, in part, because my self-worth is primarily based on a perceived need. If I'm not needed, what's the point. Right? Maybe I need years of therapy. Maybe the perception is wrong and you guys really need me. And based on recent observations, I suspect the latter is the case and you really need Joe Napalm. Case in point is this first subject: Throwing a ball.

Sometime ago, I commented to a coworker that I'd like to sit in on one of his interviews. He was in the process of interviewing candidates for a job that would directly report to him. I suggested that I could show up and ask only one question and determine whether or not the man* was qualified. I'd walk in with a ball -- baseball, football, tennis ball or whatever -- hand it to the candidate, walk to the other side of the room and then ask that he throw the ball to me. See what I'm getting at? If the candidate throws like a man, he's legit and you can trust that everything he says is truthful. If he throws like a little sissy, then you seriously have to consider that everything that that man is saying is an outright lie. I mean, if he walks in with a swagger, talks a big game and then throws like a little cream puff, can you really trust the guy?

So that's where I come in. I pitched baseball in high school. I know the mechanics of a efficient throw with a good shoulder turn and proper release point. If you can throw, then great. I hope that we can play ball someday -- or better, work together some day. If you can't throw, listen carefully because your claim to manhood is in question and your wife or girlfriend secretly wishes that you could throw like the neighbor. It's for your best interest.

First, let's look at the anatomy of a sissy throw. And where better to start than with our Wuss-In-Chief Barry Obama? Check out this sorry attempt (start viewing at 0:21):

Did you see that train wreck? Are you kidding me, Pinky? Listen, I don't expect that Barry-O will take my advice prior to throwing out the first pitch at this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. But if you think that President Bush did irreparable damage to our national image, wait until French President Sarkozy and his umpteen mistresses are pointing and gigglinig at the pantywaist of the Free World.

So with that implanted in your brain. Let's compare it to a real man's throw. And for that, I will defer to eight-time MLB All-Star, all-time leader in no-hitters, Hall of Fame pitcher and current president of the (hat-placed-over-my-heart) Texas Rangers, Nolan Ryan -- "The Ryan Express." (Does Barry Obama have a cool nickname? Point made, hopefully.)

So, hopefully, you noticed the difference. On the one hand, you have a man who talks with bravado yet throws like a feminist. On the other hand, you have a man who you would be proud to have teach your sons the basics of manhood -- like spitting, farting, lighting fires and throwing. In the board room, who is going to get the most respect? There's no contest. You'd put your finger to your mouth and shush the president and tell him in not so kind terms that Mr. Ryan was speaking and you'd rather hear what he has to say.

To recap, let's look at the basics of a good throw. First, turn sideways and point your non-throwing side to the target. Next, either make a "T" shape with your arms extended or at least put the ball and your throwing arm behind your head and bring the ball forward with your elbow high -- not too high, mind you -- and release in front of your body. And don't forget a follow through. Once the ball is released from the fingers -- no man throws a ball with it in his palm ... that's a change-up and another discussion in a more advanced course -- follow through by letting your throwing arm cross your body, allowing it to nearly go in the opposite pant pocket.

But, some may say, throwing style is determined at birth. It's physiological, you may argue. Wrong! It's just one of your many excuses for throwing like a namby-pamby.

Like I said, I'm needed now more than ever. Take this and any future advice from the Napalmster. Men will envy you. Women will swoon. It'll add pep to your step and your wife will call you the smooth operator. I should know. I am Joe Napalm.

Bonus: Nolan Ryan hitting a batter and then showing him who's da man (start at 4:57). Do you think Obama would do this to Chavez? Ha!