Finding the Right Words
How do you talk to your child about death? How do you tell them that a someone has died? How do you tell them one of their friends is gone?
I was faced with just such a decision this past weekend. My son was away for a week at National Youth Leadership Training for Boy Scouts. When I opened Friday's paper I saw the obituary for one of his classmates. Fourteen years old and dead from a previously undiagnosed heart problem. It wouldn't be the first time I had to tell my son that someone had died. But it was the first time I have ever had to tell any of my children that someone their own age, someone they knew and went to school with, had died.
I thought long and hard about what I would say, how I would say it and when I would tell him. In the back of my mind was also the thought "How can a mother face losing a child? What would I do if it were my son?" No matter how I practiced what to say, it came out wrong. There didn't seem to be a way to make it right. And then I realized why. There isn't anything that could ever "make it right". This was an awful, shocking, heart-wrenching event and there aren't any words in the world that could fix it or make it any easier. I lost friends in high school to a horrific car accident. It hurt, and as much as I wanted to shield my son from that pain, I knew all I could do was tell him what happened and try and help him through it the best I could.
On Saturday evening, my husband and I drove out to camp for the Parents' Feast, campfire ceremony and awards program. When we walked up to the dining hall and I saw him I had tears in my eyes. All I wanted to do was hug him and tell him how much I loved him and never let him go. Instead, I told him how glad I was to see him, and how proud we were of him. Five hours later, when it was all over and we were walking to the car, I told him about Jake. He didn't say a lot, and neither did I, except "I love you."
I guess that's the best thing anyone could ever say.