You have heard of the military's policy of don't ask don't tell? Well today I formally institute my don't tell....don't ask policy here at bjnotbk. What's going on? Usually my beautiful, chiseled, muscular body, is running in tip-top shape like a well oiled machine but as of late I have been struck with some really sever pain...probably some right wing attack plotted by Bush, to take me out?
I am blessed with many wonderful friends and family as I am sure most of you are and because I only surround myself with smart, brilliant people my family and friends have a keen sense for the obvious noting that I appeared a little off my game this weekend. What began as harmless small talk...like, 'You ok?" led down a deep, dark disturbing path with me recounting endless, sleepless nights of cold sweats, nausea, muscle pain, Vietnam flashbacks, the shakes, as well as a myriad of other symptoms too gruesome to detail here at our family friendly site.
What followed was an onslaught of medical advice that would fit nicely into the new administrations health plan. Instead of being ensconced in sympathy I was surrounded by too many people who had watched one too many episodes of ER as they peppered me - rapidly firing medical questions my way. After signing the necessary HIPPA forms I began to listen and compile a list of some of the things I "needed to do" and will share with you.
1. Have you prayed about it?
2. Have you been recently bit by a tick?
3. Have you ever been to Haiti or an intravenous drug user?
4. Have you thought about a massage?
5. Have you taken aspirin or Ibuprofen?
6. Have you thought about flax seed oil caplets? I am not sure what flax seed is but everyone tells me it is something I should take.
7. Maybe you should hop on one leg while signing the Star Spangled Banner?
8. Have you tried clubbing two baby seals and drinking their blood?
9. Have you asked your Dr. about Cialisis?
10. Do you ever sit during the day?
11. When was the last time you ate bran flakes?
12. Have you seen a Dr.?
13. My aunt once took some dry yak scat and put it in her tea and drank it for 40 days...have you tried that?
14. Maybe you could fashion a tiara out of poison ivy, wear it on your head, and call yourself king itchy?
I could go on and on but that would only irritate my lumbago and yes I have already applied ice and heat.
From now on it is all smiles and don't tell.....so they won't ask.
But before my policy goes into effect...let me ask you....what is your best cure all and most absurd...feel free to leave it here.