BJ Not BK

In order to keep the machine running here at bjnotbk and to continue to pay my new Scientologist who mows my yard, I have begun to practice the art of shameless self promotion to increase traffic, readership, and to fuel the ego.  (The ego runs on eggos, hotpockets, and strawberry pop tarts with icing.)

We are awash with misinformation.  Non-news news.  People are talking but they really aren't saying much.

That is why I have reverted to the sly art of the re-divert when speaking with others in a public setting.  It goes something like this:

"Hey bjnotbk how are you?"
"Hey brother!  Good to see you!  How am I?  Check out my upcoming podcast!  Later."

Wanna ask me about the weather?  Then see my daily column in the local paper.

What about politics?  See my blog.

Family, faith, friends?  See my upcoming book.

Buy a bumpersticker, send a postcard, wear my t-shirt.

Ego needs more eggos, hotpockets, and strawberry poptarts with icing.

I am not perfect, close, but not there yet.  People make mistakes, we all goof up from time to time right?  I don't know about you but I am getting tired, no sick, no, sick and tired of being held personally accountable for my own decisions, for my bone head actions. 

Today....I relinquish all ties to personal responsibility!

I have it all figured out.  You see there are times when I say dumb things, write dumb things, make choices that aren't the best, after all I am almost human.  In the past my course of action, redemption, was through confession, apology, and consequences.  That is so last year!  Today I have followed in the footsteps of the rich and famous.  Today, the headcount at bjnotbk moves from (my entire para-legal staff, my team of 29 tax attorneys, legal advisers, consultants, accountants, probation officer, and clergy) 72 to well beyond 100.

I have added the following to my staff:

Catholic Priest
Episcopal Priest
Baptist Minister
Baptist Preacher
Methodist Minister
Presbyterian Minister
Unitarian
Vegan
Democrat
Greek Orthodox Clergy
Rabbi - both unorthodox and orthodox
Sherpa
Buddhist Monk
Hindu Monk
Guru
Hairdresser
Imam
and a Scientologist who will be mowing our yard

Why the increase in headcount?  Why such politically correct diversity?  I call it Real Risk Management.

Moving forward I will no longer follow my previous, outdated model of personal accountability.  No more acknowledgment of wrong doing, no more confessions, no more consequences.  Instead, I will say whatever I please, do whatever I please and my PR man will notify me of any actions that could possibly offend.  Depending on the incident I will console with the proper religious leader for "healing" and "closure."  It really is a nice system when you think about it.

See Alec Baldwin
See Don Imus

Although I am not sure if I can continue to carry health insurance for all these people....."What's that?  I can't not pay insurance?  Someone has been offended?  Quick, get our Priest, the Rabbi, and a Baptist preacher....were going to a bar."

***please note that bjnotbk does not advocate going to bars.  If this post offended you please email one of our diverse staff memebers at healing-closure-love-cooltheearth-savethepolarbears@yahoo.com

Just thought you would like to know that our government set a one day record for collections of personal income taxes at $48.7 billion dollars.

Your welcome.

 

Spam is the mystery meat that is horribly misunderstood.  Picked on by Vegans, held in disgust by those with an IQ higher than a bag of rocks, Spam, next to Tang, is one of man’s greatest yet often feared inventions.  For real!!!  Who out there doesn’t like salty, pressed meat-like substances packed tightly into a rectangular can?  But I digress….

 

The real meat of this post surrounds the jelly, the delicious brown, jiggly stuff that always floats to the top.  I believe the French call it the crème de la crème….but what do the French know anyway right? 

Recent demographics taken from the reading audience of bjnotbk state that you are intellectual, affluent in both politics and vast social circles, you have a median income of 1.2 million dollars, and that you are huge fans of online treasure hunts, NASCAR, and anything with caffeine in it.  So what’s my point?

 

I know you, you only want to get to the good stuff, the Spam jelly, the delicious brown jiggly stuff at the top.  So here is your Spam Jelly for Thursday.

 

1. Rosie O’Donnell is out – did anyone see this coming?  Who would have thought that an angry, mannish, rambling woman would not make good daytime TV?
2. Sheryl Crow had to cancel several of our upcoming tour dates.  Officials blame a recent case of the green apple two-step as cause.
3. Global Warming is real and if you don’t believe it then put on your coat, play in the snow, and see for yourself!
4. McCain announced his candidacy….yawn….for presidency.
5. The 2008 Olympics are close than you think.  What will China show and hide from the world?
6. What happened to the following top stories?
1. North Korea – weren’t they a serious threat?
2. Social Security – wasn’t this a serious threat?
7. Here is a video I know you Spam lovers will enjoy [link].

 

Make sure you ingest 12 Zantac, two Tylenol, and 5 Prilosec chased by some ice cold Pepto within two hours of reading this post to prevent heartburn and upset stomach.    

 

 

 

 

There are some things men would move mountains for, lose their lives to, or spend their fortunes chasing.  Temptation comes in many forms and many flavors.  For me….it is the post lunch sugar rush.

 

Temptation is no farther away than 50 feet from my desk and .65 cents from my pocket.    I do not need to fear loss of fortune nor do I fear loss of life.  However, I do fear loss of pant size as my horizon has a tendency to expand if gone unchecked for some time.

 

Outside my office there is a vending machine and each day around 2:30, C-6 calls my name.  My poison?  Three chocolate Zinger cakes topped with double chocolate icing, filled with cream icing sitting in slot C-6.  The cost?  You mean besides my dignity?  .65 cents, 390 calories and a hot cup of dark, rich coffee from the break room.  

 

What do you struggle with?

Recently I have seen too many similar posts between myself here at bjnotbk and Napalm.

While at first I gave the benefit of the doubt to the similarities with my "great minds think alike" statement I now grow cautious.

Moving forward all news posts will be carried in an aluminum briefcase securely fastened to my wrist.  Two people will be given the codes and my office will be equipped with retinal scanners and biometric hand scanning devices.

What pro wrestler would I be and why?  Great question and one that I have spent many lonely evenings pondering beneath the Caribbean moonlight, the loud crashing of the waves off in the distance, small plumes of cigar smoke encircling my head as I banged out stories on the machine. 

One doesn't approach such a serious question without putting great thought into it.  Hulk Hogan might be the natural choice.  Here is a man of principal.  A man who purports to both pray and eat his vitamins as well as holding a large following of hulkamaniacs.  The Ultimate Warrior?  Not so much.  What about Rowdy Roddy Piper?  While the idea of a kilt intrigues me the guy was just too Rowdy for my taste.  The Iron Sheik...I don't think so. 

My choices were really narrowed to two that continue to haunt me:

1.  Jimmy "Superfly" Snooka
2.  George the "Animal" Steele

Drum roll please......

And the answer is George the Animal Steele.

My decision was based on one of my lifetime fantasies...nothing more.

I always wanted to eat a turnbuckle.

Why are celebrities given a public platform to state their beliefs, thoughts, ideas on how to run and rule the world?  OK, so you stared in a movie I liked, you sang a catchy song, or worse, you sang a horrible song that the radio played so many times over and over and over that your stupid lyrics and funny beat has been burned into my mind.  Why does this temporary success give public platforms to people who do not have any experience say in economics, domestic or foreign policy or dare I say science?

Enter Stage Left - Sheryl Crow

Sheryl has dropped her anti-war efforts and replaced them with a bigger, better, more noble cause...the end of global warming.

It seems that Sheryl has really put some thought into this crisis while on tour.  What ideas has the singer/songwriter come up with?  I'm glad you asked.

1.  Removable sleeves on shirts that could be used as napkins. 
2.  Reducing the use of toilet paper down to one square per visit.

So....wait a minute, did she say one square per visit?  I can't even wipe up a drop of water with one square.  Are you sure?  Yes.  [link]

When asked how this was possible Sheryl attributed this Utopian concept to her "newly revised diet"  which consists of organic, free-range granola, recycled tree bark, purified air, and grass.  Sheryl was quick to point out that the only waste she produces from this diet is a small pile of "dust" that she sweeps up with a whisk broom and then places in one of her compost piles. 

When asked what impact this new, adventurous diet and lifestyle would have on the environment and the global warming cause Sheryl stated that she didn't know but that it already felt much cooler in her home at night.

Thanks Sheryl for the heads up. 

I figure I can fit several hundred pounds of free-range, all organic granola in the Ford Excessive I bought this weekend.  Anyone need me to pick them up any purified air while I'm out?

 

Barbra Walters has been hailed by many as an expert interviewer.  Her ability to relax her guests, to get them to open up has yielded some great television.  One of Barbra's techniques is to ask quirky, off the wall questions.

"If you were a tree, what would you be and why?'

Today I would like to utilize this same tactic on you, my reading audience.  However, in light of the planet's plight due to global warming I will not, in fact I refuse to use the tree analogy due to the sensitivity surrounding mother Earth.

Instead I ask you this....

"If you were a professional wrestler who would you be and why?"

I have not watched wrestling since the late 80's so I will be bringing some old school back to the table.

My answer?  You will just have to come back tomorrow to find out.

I was shocked myself.  I couldn't understand what had brought me to the edge of such insanity?  I mean, this is 2007 right?  Not 1985.  Why had it come to this and where did I go wrong?  Worse yet....what would be next?

Yesterday I purchased a DVD/VCR combo player.  I couldn't help but think to myself,
     "self, what are you doing buying a VHS player in the digital age?"

Yet there I was standing in the middle of Target looking at my choice wondering what had gone wrong, why me, why do bad things happen to good people? 

I was instantly drawn back to 1985 when my family bought our first VCR.  Video stores were starting to pop up everywhere around town.  One of our family friends had a VHS player and the novelty of renting movies and watching them in your own home was fresh and exciting...sort of like a first kiss but not as awkward or sloppy.

We showered, put on our best dress, and headed into town.  Mom and Dad worked with the salesperson as he pointed out the features and benefits of both VHS and Beta.  After several long "private" discussions between my parents and after a lengthy finance process, yes we financed our VCR at about $1200.00, we walked out with a new VCR and a bag full of Teen Wolf, Back to the future, and The Karate Kid. 

Now, flash forward to yesterday.  Why had I come here?  Was I trying to re-kindle some nostalgia?  Re-capture that feeling from my youth?  Introduce Mr. Miagi to my toddler?  No, no, no.

No, our current DVD player was on the fritz and some evil person had given us some children's VHS tapes.

I spent a few minutes last night hooking the thing up wondering....what next?  A tape deck/8 track player combo?

Oh, by the way.....the clock thingy....it still blinks.

1.6745 billion ha ha ha ha (use your best Dr. Evil laugh here please)

That is the number of gun laws on the books today and not one of them can stop a determined man intent on killing another.  Joe sort of stole my thunder with his post....Joe on Gun Control but you know what they say...great minds think alike.  My take is a bit different though.  Just hear me out.

I am not a gun nut.  I have shot plenty of guns in the past, taken hunter safety courses, shot skeet, etc. etc.  I have never desired to own a gun and I have never bought a gun specific magazine.  In fact guns scare me to an extent.  On the other hand I love the following bumper stickers:

Gun control is a steady hand
If we outlaw guns then only outlaws will have guns
Keep honking I'm reloading
and finally...
From my cold dead hands

The cry for more laws is well under way just days after the Virginia Tech tragedy.  I would argue that we need to produce more guns, give them away in cereal if we have to, and banish all gun laws. 

Instead of more legislation pertaining to guns, ladies and gentlemen I would like to introduce to you a new bill banning all bullets known as resolution bjnotbk109. 

Guns do not kill people...bullets do.  The guns only make the bullets go faster.

Imagine the scene...a man enters a bank with a pistol, double pump shotgun.

       "Everybody be cool this is a robbery!"

Startled, everyone looks to the door, where the masked man is standing, and then begin to go about their daily business again.

        "I said be cool!  This is a robbery!  Don't make me do it!  Ok,, bang bang bang!" the would be bandit mouths as his gun is empty...no bullets thanks to resolution bjnotbk109.

 Am I too simplistic in my thinking?  My approach?  Can't we all just get along?

The Supreme Court's ruling upholding the 2003 Partial Birth Abortion Ban has once again stirred the emotions and awakened those in both the pro-life and pro-death camps. 

While pro-life advocates are calling the ruling a victory the pro-death camp is throwing out words like....erosion of constitutional rights (see Hillary Clinton).  Please show me in the constitution where it states the right to abort?  Doesn't the government regulate just about everything we do anyway? - I will save this for my next post.

I am declaring this a defeat.  A defeat in the sense that we ever had to take this to court.  A defeat that anyone would ever elect to abort their baby.  A defeat when our society deems delivering a baby to the point of seeing it's head, then drilling through the skull and killing it (just in case you did not know what was involved with partial birth abortion).  A defeat for all of the 30 million lives that have been destroyed since Rove V. Wade.  A defeat for all women who have been duped into believing that abortion gives them power when so many women have testified the contrary (see Roe's recant).

30 million potential artists, poets, doctors, tax payers.  30 Million feminists?  Who knows...maybe the person who would cure cancer, AIDS, Heart Disease was one of those 30 million? 

30 million dead in 34 years and this is a victory?

I am constantly hearing the mantra "there is no such thing as bad publicity" and "controversy sells."  As a shrewd business man I have decided to experiment with these theories in an effort to increase readership here at bjnotbk.com  What do you think about the following headlines as possible topics?

Global Warming...Mine and Al Gore's Love Child

Coddling the Killer Within...Why society is to blame

Understanding Your Enemy a lecture in Winning the War on Terror

Anger Management....the Howard Dean Way

On second thought maybe not....

Tired of all the stress, worry, and hassle of the day to day grind?  Then you need to take a trip to Ardwyn Farms.

One of my long time friends, Farmer Jones, has been blogging about his farming endeavors in Wisconsin for some time now.  Ardwyn Farms is all natural, all organic, and is completely free of pesticides, herbicides, and any hint of political jibba jabba.

Be sure to visit his site, take in the crisp Wisconsin air, and enjoy the pics of the farm while following Farmer Jones through another growing season.

The events at Virginia Tech have left me glazed over, in a sort of state of disbelief.  How could anyone do this and why? 

Yesterday was a time of memorial as thousands gathered at the Virginia Tech campus to show their support for the victims and this community torn in half by this event.  One thing you may not have caught, may not even hear much about was some of the speeches given during the memorial service.

One of the speakers was Nikki Giovanni, read on in disgust at this excerpt from her speech:

"We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did not deserve it but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, but neither do the invisible children walking the night to avoid being captured by a rogue army. Neither does the baby elephant watching his community be devastated for ivory; neither does the Appalachian infant in the killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy. We are Virginia Tech."

Come again?  Are we memorializing the slain students or are we working an Aids relief fundraiser, speaking out against the war in Iraq, politicing against imigration control? 

How is this even remotely moving, memorializing, or appropriate?  In essence she is stating that yes it was a tragedy that a crazed gunman eneded the lifes of VT students but nor mor crazy that poachers who steel ivory.  Ok, now I feel warm and cozy all over.  The comfort of the great poet's words have stilled my trouble soul.

Mom, Dad, I realize that you just lost your son or daughter to a mass murderer but don't think of it as that...think of it in terms of the elephants, the immigrants, and AIDS. 

Will Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson call for an immediate dissmisal of Nikki Giovanni from her duties as professor at VT?  Why not?  Her words were insensitive, irrelevant, and insulting.  Nikki, next time you want a platform to spout your political views from head over to the View not a funeral.

Shame on you Nikki Giovanni...shame on you.